Long-term Depression and Recovery: Helis’ Story
Helis (39)
I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. When I was young, I faced depression alone, with no one to rely on. I was bullied at both school and home, and it felt like no one cared where I was or what I was going through. I contemplated suicide many times. The only thing that helped me cope during that time was horse riding. These beautiful animals offered me a judgment-free escape. When I became an adult, I moved out on my own, and while life became slightly easier, the sense of security I found was only temporary.
About eight years ago, my partner and I decided to have a child. While I did become pregnant, each pregnancy ended in miscarriage, one after another. This devastating experience sent me spiralling back into a deep depression. I kept everything to myself, telling no one outside the house what I was going through. I felt like a flawed woman and was consumed by shame. Since then, life has been very difficult for me. I didn’t want to do anything; I didn’t want to exist.
The image is illustrative. Image by senivpetro, Freepik.
I was deeply depressed.
Two years ago, when I visited the occupational health doctor, he immediately recognised that something was seriously wrong. Opting to bypass a referral to a psychologist, he sent me straight to a psychiatrist and prescribed antidepressants. I was reluctant to take them and also dismissed any therapy that involved talking. Furthermore, I didn’t want to burden my loved ones.
Whenever I considered talking to others about my worries, it felt utterly pointless. I would think, “What am I complaining about? I have two arms, two legs, a roof over my head—there’s nothing physically wrong with me.” But inside, I was shattered. I had lost interest in everything, and I no longer knew how to help myself. The only thing that kept me going was my dog.
Getting up in the morning and going to work required a lot of effort, but it was through a colleague that I first heard about MER biofeedback therapy. I could see from him how he was like a different person after the first session. He had become immensely calm. His job is very stressful and it used to affect him a lot. I asked where he went and he sent me a link. Reading the experience stories on the website gave me the final push to apply. A week later I was already in the therapy chair myself.
I remember the day of the first therapy session very clearly. I drove to work in the morning, someone swam in front, the other turned forward and braked all the time. I ate very loudly in the car, yelled and cursed. In the evening I went to biofeedback therapy and I was quite nervous. I was very afraid that I would still have to speak, but I was calmed down.
The picture is illustrative. Image by senivpetro, Freepik.
About half an hour into the session, I was already in tears without having said anything.
However, ten minutes before the end of the session, I felt completely empty. I sat in the car and found myself indifferent to everything. While driving home, someone pulled out in front of me, and I simply observed without reacting. There was no more irritability. That night, I slept better than I had in years.
Around the third day after the first session, I noticed something interesting. Every time someone made me nervous, music started playing in my head. The same thing happened when my mind began to race with various thoughts. Before therapy, I had 150,000 thoughts running through my head all the time.
Now, however, the music interrupted those thoughts. Some completely random song would start playing in my head, it played all day, and this continued for a month straight. In the end, I almost became frustrated that I couldn’t get frustrated! I found myself laughing and singing. It felt as though I had left a 100 kg backpack in the therapy room; I felt so light.
As the sessions progressed, different changes occurred. I didn’t have an easy childhood. I had compartmentalised everything related to family and school, putting it all in a box in my mind and hiding it away. Now, MER biofeedback therapy had opened that box and brought my childhood traumas to the surface. I was forced to confront the burdens I had carried with me from the past. It was hard and uncomfortable, but I’m grateful I was able to do it because now I’ve made peace with these issues.
Before MER biofeedback therapy, I would always get a lump in my throat when someone talked about children or when there were pregnant women in the group. Now, when someone talks about their children or pregnancy, I don’t feel indifferent, but I don’t take it so hard anymore.
The picture is illustrative. Image by senivpetro, Freepik.
Life is completely different now.
Previously, I would easily get nervous about everything, often experiencing panic and anxiety. Now, I might have a brief outburst, but it’s over in an instant.
After my sixth therapy session, I left the therapy room feeling absolutely euphoric. I was intoxicated with happiness! I sat behind the wheel of the car, called my friend, and laughed, saying it felt as though I was on cloud nine.
The joy of life has returned, and I’m once again joking with pleasure. This is something my colleagues and friends have noticed as well. Personally, I feel that the most important thing I gained from MER biofeedback therapy is an understanding of my own worth. I now realise that I am worth much more than I had previously accepted.
In the past, others took priority over me. As a result, I have now started to take better care of myself, both mentally and physically. I stand up for myself and no longer allow other people’s problems to intrude on my life.
For me, biofeedback therapy was the final lifeline. My very severe depression is over. I no longer feel like I’m in a hole so deep that there’s no way out. If, after 3-4 sessions, I had just my nose above the edge of the hole, now I’m already sitting comfortably on the edge. MER Biofeedback therapy is not a miracle; you still have to put in a lot of work on yourself, but it is an important aid.